June 25, 2012

More than I can handle....

Ugh... Do you ever ask yourself why you do things? I have spent my entire summer so far asking myself that question. Pretty much I have a pity party at least once a week and have since we moved in. For whatever reason I thought moving, trying to work on my +30 and spending time with my loves was not enough for my summer vacation. I thought I should add a curriculum project as well. Stupid. In my defense I signed up because I will be paid $3000.00 for completing it in July. $3000.00 will completely pay to take my baby to Disney over fall break. I know when we are having breakfast with Special Agent Oso, the stuffed love of her life, this project will be worth every penny. If it weren't for this project I'm not sure we would be able to go. Moving, the dog's expenses, a beach trip and an upcoming golf trip for Chris will pretty much have us spent for the year as far as fun money goes. Currently however, I regret my decision on a bi-weekly (the days I have to go into school and work on it) basis. I hate the time it takes away from my girl. :( I feel like we miss opportunities to play at the pool, zoo, park or home together. I feel like I am missing out on such a fun time in her life. She is at such a great age! I feel like any day I have to spend with her and not pressed to do something or be somewhere at a set time is nothing but fun! Unfortunately there just aren't enough of those days this summer. I also feel stretched way too thin. I stay up late or get up early to work on school (another thing I question why I started....), I get up super early to run some days or do what I can to fit the Y into my schedule, the dog requires so much love and extra attention and I never feel like I meet my own or my friend's and family's expectations. I just don't have the time to spend with them like I or they wish I did. It's times like these when I just question if I am doing the right thing....I worry if spending my summer completing online classes and a curriculum project is the right choice. Yes, the extra money will allow us to better plan for Cammie's future and give her some amazing vacation memories, but will I end up hating and resenting my job for it in the end. Education is currently a tough job. There are many days when I walk away frustrated and defeated and it has nothing to do with the kids. I don't have the time or energy to devote to my classroom like I did in the beginning. Grading papers, planning and trying to figure out how I'm going to engage my students in every subject area can feel so overwhelming at times. Then when I come home and lose my patience easier with C I feel like a bad mom. I fear not getting an actual break from school life is going to make this year so much harder. Chris reminds me regularly that summer life is much better than school life, regardless of school or this project. He reminds me that I currently get to eat breakfast, snuggle for naps and have an occasional fun day with her, which is more than I can say for the school year. He reminds me that I chose to go back to school and work on this project for HER, not me. I, like any other mom want her to have the best. I am trying to ensure she gets the best, just struggling through that right now.:)

3 comments:

  1. I love you, Amie, and hear your heart in your writing!☺ Sending prayers your way! :)

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  2. It is tough to do everything. Just evaluate what is most important to you and only do what you can manage. Cammie will love Disney World!!! Hang in there girl. :)

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  3. And you are finished with the big project!! Yay for you :) Now we can focus on Disney, AKA the best place on Earth! So excited to experience it with you all!!

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